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Dodgy Massages 5 November 2009

Posted by uggclogs in Life, Vietnam.
Tags: ,

Living in Vietnam has made me have to explain to people far too often why I do not like getting massages. And it is a little complicated, but rather funny.

Firstly, I get bored. I need to entertain myself, or my mind will wreck havoc. My mind goes into overdrive when it gets too much time to itself, keeping me awake during the night, or, even worse, it starts thinking about all the things that could go wrong in my life (this happens while doing menial tasks for too long). While I was at university, for example, I used to clean houses for some extra cash. But one house in particular (which took 5 hours to clean every week) caused me to come home a total wreck, thinking that my life as I knew it would end.

Secondly, I have had some really bad experiences! Epic.

The first massage I ever had, was in India. I did not know what to expect, but a lot of people were raving about how wonderfully relaxing massages are, so I booked me and the boyfriend in for a ‘romantic’ couple massage. It started out pretty good, but I felt a bit weird that my tail bone was being massaged (a little too low for comfort). Then, when I turned around, the man who was doing the massage slowly worked his way down from my shoulders to my breasts. Then he just sort of stayed there, spending an awful lot of time massaging them. I started to feel like a large batch of dough.

But silly little young thing that I was, I glanced over at the boyfriend, who looked like he was in seventh heaven, and almost asleep, so I did not know whether to speak up or not. After all, how do you know what is normal, when it is your first time? I just lay there, wishing that he would stop, not knowing what to do. I got tenser and tenser, and by the time I arrived back to the hotel room, I felt violated and uncomfortable, and not at all happy and relaxed (or romantic).

My second experience was in Australia, many years later. The boyfriend and I were away at a romantic get away, and had booked someone to come in to do individual massages at our cottage. When the buxom lady finally showed up (an hour and a half late), we decided to only get half an hour massages each, so that we would not miss out on the other activities that were planned. And lucky for me, there was no way I could have remained civil if it had lasted any longer.

While she was massaging my back, she stood at the top of the massage table. I have mentioned this before, but I will mention it again – I am taller than average. Thus, I have a very long torso. Try to imagine what happens when a lady with a chest that is far above-average leans forward to massage the entire length of an above-average back. You’ve got it. Ear muffs.

Giant, breast-shaped ear muffs. Each time she leant forward. Awkward.

But yet again, I say nothing. This time, not because I don’t dare to, but because I was trying not to burst out laughing! And to think that she was annoyed that we were going horseback riding, because it would ‘undo all her work’… I don’t think there was much to be undone.

My final weird experience was here in Hanoi, where I went to a foot massage place. I thought – what could go wrong with a foot massage? You may be thinking the same.

First, the lady sits me down, rolls up my jeans, and runs her hand over my leg. She bursts out laughing, as I have clearly not shaved that morning. (I had shaved the day before, it was not bushy galore or anything). She proceeds to call her friend and colleague over, who also feels my legs and laughs! Right, great start.

The massage itself is fine, but to finish, they wish me to lie down, face down, while they massage my back. This is where it gets interesting. The lady doing the massage proceeds to climb on top of me (she is a tiny Vietnamese woman) and first just walks on my back a little, cracking each vertebrae. THEN, she walks down, and stands on my bum. She kneads it like a kitten kneads their mother to get milk. Yet I am still not concerned. She walks up and down the back of my thighs a little, before she returns to my derriere, and proceeds to surf. Yes, that is what it felt like, ladies and gentlemen. She was balancing herself on my ass.

For what feels like ages. Again, I get the giggles, because it feels so redonkulous. I don’t know what to say. I just let her dream about the beaches of Sydney. I bet she even closed her eyes, as she stood there, perched on what to her must have seemed like a ginourmous bottom.

I cannot let go – is it just me, or is massages just not my thing?



1. Haje - 5 November 2009

I laughed out loud at ‘Ear muffs’. Fabulous.

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